'Children' Sounds Strangely Like 'Collusion'

The other day, my kids worked their way into a circular vitriol. "Daddy, Belle's hitting me."

"No," Belle said, "Johnny's just trying to get me in trouble!" And on it went.

I explained to them that if they both kept their mouths shut, neither of them would get into trouble.

"We wouldn't?" said Johnny, who's four.

"It's called collusion," I said. "Can you say, collusion?"

They paused.

"Daddy," Johnny said, "Can we please keep our mouths open?" You wouldn't think I'd have to teach them the word collusion, since most kids seem to be born with an innate sense of how to act it out.


Like when they conspire to convince me to let them watch TV. "Daddy, can we watch Diego?"

"No John," I said, "we don't have a DVD player with us. After all, we're at the botanical gardens."

Five seconds later Belle chimes, "Now can we watch Diego?"

Maybe that's why collusion sounds so much like children; they're practically synonymous. "I'm sorry, Belle," I said, "but we're still at the botanical gardens." Never mind that it was 75 degrees and sunny and the plants and flowers were in full bloom.

The kids also have conspired to leave random objects in my clothing and shoes. The other day, I went five hours with a Disney princess doll dress stuck in the toe of my work shoe, wondering, "What the heck is that?"

Belle thought that was so funny, she decided to get crazy and wear her pants on her head and her shirt as pants. "Pants on the head, pants on the head... lookin' like a girl with her pants on her head!"

What can I say? The kids like to let their "freak flags" fly.

And not just with their clothes--with my clothes, too. I like to think I'm pretty fit. But John recently ran into the living room with a pair of my underwear and declared to the whole family, "Look at these FAT PANTS!"

Sometimes they intend to be funny. Other times not. Like when Belle was making clothes for her paper dolls. She cut a little too much and ended up with a tiny piece of paper. She held it up to her grandma and said, "Look, Grandma. I made a paper bra!"


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