Embarrassment and Buck Rogers' Love Child

My son, Johnny, has been learning to use the big-boy potty. On Thanksgiving, he sat down and said, "Dada, the seat's too cold." I blew warm air on it. He sat back down and said, "Ah, all better." What are dads for?

Answer: They're for embarrassing. On Friday, we were at a botanical garden with lots of respectable old ladies around. There are plenty of signs asking people not to touch the flowers or climb on displays. I told Johnny several times, "Follow directions."

A few minutes later, we were looking at orchids when Johnny said, "Daddy, follow erections! Follow erections!" Half the old ladies were appalled; the others slapped their knees.

Johnny also created snickers when he shouted at a store, "Daddy, I have a big one in my pants!" He, of course, was referring to the poop in his underwear.

My daughter, Belle, isn't to be outdone. She likes to tell her little brother in public, "Johnny, don't do that -- or SO HELP ME GOD..." a phrase I assure you she has NEVER heard from either of her parents. (OK, maybe once or twice.)

Fortunately, I'll even the Embarrassment Score when Belle and Johnny are teens who won't be seen with their dorky dad. Or, when they're dating someone who looks like the spawn of Rob Zombie, I'll show them this blog.

Speaking of scandals, everyone knows Dora the Explorer, right? But I bet you DIDN'T know Dora is actually the secret love child of Buck Rogers and his robot: Ah, to live is to suffer embarrassment.
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The Meaning of Life -- In a Candy Bar

For Halloween, Johnny went as Winnie the Pooh. Belle went as Princess Belle.

As they trick-or-treated, older kids dressed in ghastly costumes approached. A big bully in a skeleton outfit approached little Johnny and roared in his face. Johnny didn't cry, didn't even say "Oh, bother." After the skeleton left, he sadly said, "Daddy, I don't like skeletons at Halloween. But I LOVE candy."

Leave it to Johnny to find the meaning of life while trick-or-treating.

Belle also became ensnared by an unexpected skeleton.
Poor Belle. At least that house gave out big candy bars and margaritas to the adults.

Johnny didn't let the creeps get him down.