'I Lick the Toilet, Daddy!'

The other day my two-year-old son, Johnny, ran into the bathroom yelling, "I lick the toilet Daddy! I lick the toilet!" I sprinted after him and snatched him before he could make good on his promise.

See, Johnny is an extrovert, so everything he *thinks* becomes what he *says* the instant he *thinks* it. Like, "I climb the stove!" at the very moment he tries to scale Mt. Kenmore. Or the time he yelled, "I go potty!" during the quiet part of church.

This say-it-as-I-think-it tendency has become especially dangerous as he learns new words. Especially when he has NO idea what the word means. For example, he recently took off his diaper and chased his big sister, Belle, in circles around the living room while shouting, "I need privacy!" over and over. Belle, running, said, "Then goooo a-waaay!"

As you can imagine, our household typically sounds like a zoo. If the kids skip their naps, it sounds like this:

http://www.rallymonkey.com/oldvideo.php

Which is why I like to put my kids to bed early on those days, pour myself a cold beverage and watch this video:



In the morning, my hair looks like Paul Simon's... by bedtime, Art Garfunkel's.

Don't get me wrong, I love my son Johnny, and introverts are no piece of cake to raise, either. My introverted daughter, Belle, might stop to think about what she says longer than her brother--but that just gives her more time to scheme.

For example, the other day she said, "Daddy, I need a pair of pants. Will you pick me out a pair?"

I said, "You're a big girl, how come you don't pick out some?"

"I want it to be a surprise," she said. "I LOVE surprises!"

So I pick her a blue pair and present them to her.

She frowned. "But those are NOT the surprise pants I wanted, Daddy! I wanted the brown pair!"

That's right, she's already picking her own fashions; she's 4 years old going on 16. And, just when I was relieved she was still watching cartoons and not America's Next Top Model...

...she looked at me in the middle of her favorite show, Go Diego Go!, and said: "Oh Daddy, Diego is sooooo HANDSOME!"

I'm like, wha-wha-whaaaat?

Before I could mentally recover, Johnny said, "I grab Daddy's cell phone!"

I'm inventing a new drink: The Vodka Garfunkel.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

My Daughter Would Make a Crappy Santa

--The other day, my daughter, Belle, approached me wearing a Santa mask. (When is it not Christmas to a 4-year-old?) "What do you want for Christmas?" Santa Belle asked.

"I want you and your brother to get along," I said.

Santa Belle paused then said: "Santa can't make it this year."

Belle's performance as Santa was matched only by her rendition of a Belle-ephant doing tricks, a role she had in the preschool play:


Who knew elephants wore fairy dresses and said "TA-DAAA!" during their tricks?

Her brother, Johnny, who's almost 3, has learned new tricks lately, too, now that he's tall enough to reach every stereo in the house.
He cranks The Beatles like he's 16.

Johnny also recently discovered how to self-administer a face wash:


To Grandmother's House We Go
Recently, we took a trip to grandma's house and stayed overnight. Johnny slept in his little tent and woke up in the morning saying, "Where me? Where me? I OK. I OK!" I went running in to comfort him.

The next night, I fell asleep watching TV with my wife. She got up and went to bed and turned off the lights. I woke up about midnight in the Lay-Z-Boy, looked around in the dark and said, "Where me? Where me? I OK. I OK!" But nobody ran in to comfort me.

Having 'The Talk'
Now that Belle is 4.5 years old, she can carry a fairly normal conversation. Emphasis on fairly.

"How old are you, Daddy?"

"I'm 33."

"Being 30's not so bad," Belle counseled.

"It's not?"

"No," she said. "When I'm 30, I'm going to still live with you."

"OK," I said, "as long as you don't start dating until you're 30."

Belle broke into laughter. "You're funny, Daddy! Hold out your hand, I have something for you."

I complied. "What is it?"

She set it in my palm. "Dirt from my nose."