A Great Idea, for 10 Seconds...

Ever jump into something you knew probably wasn’t a good idea—then regret it 10 seconds later? My two-year-old daughter, Belle, does all the time. She loves the snow--for about 10 seconds. Then she decides Mommy and Daddy were right and she should have left her mittens on after all. "Cold! Done! Go inside, Daddy?” Never mind that we spent 30 minutes getting her into her snowsuit with a shoe horn and one of those old butter churners.

That’s how most kids are, though. Sometimes they like to draw or play with you. But mostly, they aren’t that interested in doing things, they just want you to stop what you’re doing—especially if what you’re doing is productive or fun—and watch them do… nothing. For 10 seconds. Then they’ll rope you into watching them do something really close to nothing. “Hey, watch me chew on this block!” If the kid’s parents are watching, you swallow hard and say, “Oh, that’s greaaat!”

The Pathetic Theorem
Belle missed her nap the other day and we proceeded to take her to a restaurant that evening with a big group. Bad idea. We should have heeded the warning from that famous mathematician. You know, the one that came up with what I call the Pathetic Theorem:

1 missed nap + 1 restaurant = 2 migraines (1 per parent)

And little kids haven't a clue what's going on; they're the least self-aware beings on Earth. For example, at the restaurant, Belle wanted her food immediately after ordering. When it didn't magically appear, she made like Scarface and cleared everything on the table within her reach with both arms.

I asked, "Belle, why are you so upset?"

"I not upset -- RAAAAH!"

Here's another example. Every weekday I come home from work and change into more comfortable clothes. Belle comes running in and declares, “Daddy’s changing—he’s poopy!” So the other day I was ready for it. I hung up my sport coat I said to Belle, “Thanks for the play-by-play commentary, Pat Summerall.”

“But I assure you, Belle, I don’t have any skid marks in my underwear.”

Belle ran out down the hall exclaiming, “Hey Mommy, Daddy has no skid maaaaarks!”

Better Barter Bureau
Sometimes kids’ perception is better than you might think, though. For example, we’re working with Belle on bartering. If she sees her baby brother, Johnny, playing with a toy and wants it, she needs to ask for it and trade a toy of equal or greater value.

You’d think she wouldn’t understand “equal or greater value” at age two, right? But she understands it all too well. Yesterday, Johnny was holding the keys to our car. Belle took them and said, “I want the keys, Johnny. Here, you take Daddy’s dirty sock!” And yes, she literally said "dirty sock."

Fair trade. Louisiana Purchase fair.

I thought Johnny would regret the trade 10 seconds later, but turns out that socks are much easier to chew. Even if he had protested the Car Keys Purchase, it wouldn’t have mattered because, after 10 seconds, Belle had dropped the keys and ran down the hall yelling, “The phone’s ringing. Pat Summerall's calling meeeeee!”