Christmas is Coming, My Son is Getting Fat

My two-year-old daughter, Belle, has been skinny her whole life. (It's a long time to her.) I can never get her to eat, and can never get her six-month-old brother, Johnny, to stop eating. We started feeding him solid foods this week and he ate three bowls of rice cereal and a smashed banana—in one sitting. That’s more rice cereal and smashed banana than I usually eat in one sitting.

Belle did a touchdown celebration yesterday after she managed to grab the keys to our rental car and activate the car alarm. When my wife tried to chase her, she high-stepped away, put the keys through her legs and spiked them on the carpet. My wife and I thought about assessing a 15-yard penalty, but we were too busy rewinding the tape to watch the artful celebration again.

We opened a few Christmas presents from friends early this year. Belle insisted on not just un-wrapping the gift—but also RE-wrapping the entire gift after discovering what was inside. In fact, she completely lost track of the actual present. We should have written her Santa List as: “Wrapped boxes with nothing inside but a roll of tape.” Then she’d REALLY have known that she was a good girl this year.

I thought I was a good boy this year, but apparently not, because I had to go to the Post Office to mail a cart full of gifts. Yes, I rolled them in on one of those little fold-up dollies you’d normally bring to the airport on business trips, with boxes constantly falling off. First, I waited in the obligatory Christmas Post Office Line, wondering if I had mistakenly gotten in line for the latest Xbox or the Beatles Reunion Tour. Then half the boxes weren’t taped right, according to Mail Lady. I think she thought I was trying to create the world's largest tape ball, not mailing a gift. (I don't know how in the world my brother-in-law will ever open it.) Then I forgot to write a zip code on one of the boxes. Mail Lady wasn't amused. We got to the last package, postmarked for my brother in Seattle.

Mail Lady saw the address, took a quick inhale and then let out a long “oooooh” that sounded a lot like a fog horn. “Seattle, huh?” she said.

“Yeah, that’s right,” I said.

“That’s going to take awhile… we’re really slow this time of year.”

“No kidding.”

“That’s right.”

“OK, but it’s December 1,” I said. “It’s not like it’s going to the Bermuda Triangle.”

“Ooooooooh,” she said. “That would REALLY be a long one. But Seattle? I’d send it PRIORITY for sure,” she said. She then stared blankly at me, blinking as if her advice were going to save the President from assassination.

“OK,” I said, swallowing.

“That will be $2,354, please,” Mail Lady said. Since when did my postal bill become bigger than my holiday gift budget? Oh yeah—since my siblings, in-laws and my wife and I started having our respective kids. I guess the moral is, kids may love John Madden NFL Football 2006 for Game Cube, but gift certificates for McDonald’s are much cheaper to ship. Especially if all they’re going to do is re-wrap the box.