A Master’s in Two-Year-Old Guerilla Marketing

My daughter, Belle, has been putting on a clinic the last few weeks on marketing. Two-year-old guerilla marketing, that is. Jay Conrad Levinson coined the term “guerilla marketing” in 1982 and defined it as subliminal promotional messaging on a very low budget. The messages are designed so the target audience doesn’t realize it’s receiving them.

In the case of two-year-old guerilla marketing, the target audience is almost exclusively Mom and Dad, and whoever seems to be the happier or weaker parent at that moment gets the first pitch. Dad’s football team just won? Fruit juice for everyone! Mom just watched a sad movie? Sure, Belle can sleep with Mommy! If one of the parents owes you for accidentally banging your head on the door frame, that’s a sure bet, too. Other potential audiences are grandparents, aunts and uncles.

Belle has really picked up on this. For example, her grandma asked her if she’d like a certain toy. Belle said, “YES!” because that’s her answer to everything. Grandma said, “OK, maybe Santa will bring that to you.” Belle thought for a second and said, “Aunt Fanns?” which is what she calls my sister. Apparently, Belle isn’t going to wait around for some mythical man to bring her the loot—she’s hitching her sleigh to a relative with financing.

The Three Pillars of TYOGM
According to Belle, there are Three Pillars to two-year-old guerilla marketing tactics.

The first is, “Nod Your Head any Time You Ask for Something, and Ask the Same Question Again While You’re Waiting for The Nod to Take Effect.” For example, Belle has been known to throw out slogans like, “Drink Daddy’s double-cappuccino before bed? Drink Daddy’s double-cappuccino before bed?” She’ll nod repeatedly with a look of utter conviction. Is this tactic low budget? Check. Is it undercover? Maybe not, but it’s certainly underhanded: Check. Do Mom and Dad realize they’re getting subliminal messages? Hmm… you mean that’s why she was up all night? Check.

The second pillar of two-year-old guerilla marketing is, “Use a Jingle.” The major beer, fast food, soft drink and shoe companies have perfected this tactic, right? They’re not bad, but Belle puts paltry campaigns like McDonald’s “I’m Lovin’ It” to shame. First, she learns lyrics to cute songs that melt her father’s heart. Songs like, “I Have the Love of Jesus In My Heart” from VeggieTales. When I hear her sing that, it’s as if my wallet is a cash dispenser and she has my debit card and PIN number. She has also learned to ask, “Listen to Johnny Cash?” Daddy loves Johnny Cash, and Belle cashes in—the refrigerator and pantry become her personal open bar and buffet. Daddy also magically turns into the bear from Chuck-E-Cheese, willing to sing and dance any song she pleases ad nauseam, dispensing pizza between songs.

The third and final pillar is, “Demand Immediacy.” Nobody knows how to close a deal like a two-year-old. The other day, Belle asked for a toy that has four little animals that stick up like joysticks. When she pulls them, they make noises or play songs. Thankfully, there is an “off” button. We were in the car the other day and Belle asked her mom to hand it to her. “Mommy, pweease?” she said, tilting her head to the side and grinning. My wife handed it to her and said, “That’s a nice way to ask, Belle. Now what do you say to Mommy?”

“Turn it on!” Belle said. Now that’s closing a deal. I think Mr. Levinson would be impressed. I guess the moral is, you have to get up pretty early—and drink a double-cappuccino—to outfox a two-year-old with subliminal messaging (head nod, head nod).