Call Her Leonard Belle-stein...

I’m all for being a good host, but have you ever had a guest so demanding you feel like you’ve become her personal waiter? I have, and my kids don't tip. My two-year-old, Belle, makes constant requests, conducting her parents like she's Leonard Bernstein.

She has started to grab random objects on the kitchen table or counter without warning. Like Bernstein clutching air, Belle recently walked up to me and clutched my, ahem--baton. "Ah! Belle! Don't touch people there!"

"Sorry, Daddy."

Sometimes she asks for stuff when I’m clearly indisposed. “Daddy, you need get me Tigger.” Meanwhile, I’m sitting on the toilet. Or tying my shoes.

The Up-sell
The other day, Belle asked, “May I please have goldfish crackers?” On my way to get them, she declared: “Daddy’s getting me goldfishies… and more milk! And chocolate and scissors and TOILET PAPER!”

She's always trying to up-sell. I plan to use that tactic the next time I buy a car. As the salesman is going to ask his manager, I’ll declare loudly to the entire salesroom: “He’s getting me the blue Shelby Mustang at cost… the convertible with no interest and Brett Favre, Jesus and Bono to ride in it!”

Belle even talks herself into things. She’s learning to walk down stairs like a homo sapien. She holds my hand and takes one step at a time.

“Belle not fall and go boom,” she said. “Belle doing fine. Belle not die.” (I don’t know why she refers to herself in the third person. She’s like my uncle: “Uncle Tom could sure use another beer!” he’d say when I was a kid.)

But the positive self-talk is good for her esteem. “I good dancer,” she said, shaking her little butt to her mom’s new favorite song--“SexyBack” by Justin Timberlake (with totally appropriate lyrics for kids like "getcha sexy on!"). So Belle was shakin' it, big smile on her face, and she said: “I tooted!”